Unsent Letters... Unspoken Words...

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

I know for a fact I’ll never send these words I write to you now. You’ll never read these words. You’ll never know the truth I keep buried so deep within. This pain... this torment. You’ll never know it. As much as I might wish for you to see these words I don’t have the nerve. If you do read them, what will you think of me? I’m so weak... so pathetic. Would you even still want to be my friend? Are you my friend? I’ve been so terrible this year. I’ve hardly written to you at all - you deserve so much more than that...

Each day I wonder why you never received a Hogwarts letter like I did. I always wonder how different things might be if you’d been by my side. We would have seen it all together... the castle... the lake... the grounds... the village... even the forest. So much we could have done together - exploring and searching and learning...

Maybe you would have kept me out of trouble too. You would have excelled in Transfiguration and you would have helped me through... You would have made sure all my work was up to scratch and in on time... you would have made sure I never slipped into my own lonely world hidden away from everyone else. You would have been my hope - my sanity - my saviour....

If you were here... if you were here then I would never have gone near the Hospital Wing that day. How different would things be for me now? Why did I lie to her? Why was I such a fool? It was Bellatrix Black... 7th year... Death Eater... How could I think that she wouldn’t find out exactly who I was...

I’d never been so scared in my whole life as I was in those long weeks that followed. I never told you about what Bellatrix made me do, did I, Danny? How could I? You would never understand it... You’re not a part of this world like I am. You don’t know these people... this place... this life... It’s going to kill me slowly but surely Danny... why couldn’t I have been normal? Why couldn’t I have stayed with you and just gone to the school that you do? Why here? Why this place? Why did I have to be so different?

Back to Bellatrix... Where do I begin?

I was helping Professor Kettleburn as I always did so often. I’ve always loved Care of Magical Creatures above anything else - you know that. It’s the only thing I don’t regret in this life. What I do regret though, was going to the Hospital Wing that day...

It was back in September. We’d only been back at school for a week or two and Silvanus was starting to prepare for our project task that we’d have to do. Several of the creatures though were a bit lacking in health when the ministry officials dropped them off at the school. It would be an easy cure, she said. A simple potion and they’ll be healthy in no time... Madam Pomfrey has some in her office... just ask for some she said...

Why would I say no? I thought it would be simple... wander up... go to her office... ask for the potions... take them back... that’s at least how it should have gone. It didn’t.

Madam Pomfrey wasn’t in her office when I got there, but someone else was. Bellatrix Black. Danny... I’ve never felt so much fear in my life. I mean, it should have been nothing but... you don’t know Bellatrix. She has so much power about her - such a commanding air... She’s not a person that anyone wants to mess with and yet there I was, faced with her... She was coming out of Madam Pomfrey’s office - of the supply cupboard she keeps back there. There were potions in her hands, too. Several of them.

She made me take them, Danny. She made me promise not to tell anyone and I thought that would be it, but then she told me to take the potions and look after them and she’d get them from me when she needed them. Why did I lie? She asked for my name... Alison Smith... That’s not my name. What was I thinking? She wanted to find me again to get her potions back yet I told her I was someone I wasn’t? There isn’t even an Alison Smith in this school as far as I’m aware. It was foolish of me to think that I could lie to Bellatrix Black and get away with it... I still don’t know why I did it... Fear?

When did I become so pathetic? Where has my moral compass gone? When did it switch itself off and tell me to deal with my own problems and make my own decisions? I should have handed the potions over straight away, shouldn’t I? I should have told one of the Professors that I’d walked in as Bellatrix was taking them and she made me keep them for her so that I wouldn’t tell anyone...

Things would have been so much easier then, wouldn’t they? I could have been rid of them... Bellatrix would have got in trouble... End of. But... It wouldn’t have been the end of it, would it? Things would just get worse from there...

You wouldn’t have heard about the attacks at the school either. They were less than a week before I bumped into Bellatrix. Students were tortured.... They ended up in hospital - not the Hospital Wing, an actual hospital. It was awful... I think those students... two of them at least... they were Muggle Born. Just like me.

There were so many rumors going around after that... So many... But there was one name that was mentioned all the time. Bellatrix Black. So many people here seemed so certain that she’d been involved. Those students, Danny... they were tortured. It’s a spell that causes excruciating pain... It was so awful...

Is it any wonder that I was scared to be around Bellatrix? I felt so... so weak. But if I told anyone or handed in the potions then what were the chances I’d end up just like those students who’d been tortured in the Forbidden Forest? But then, I lied to Bellatrix about my name... no one lies to Bellatrix. I could end up just like those students anyway, couldn’t I?

I just don’t know what to think anymore. My whole life seems to be filled with ‘what ifs’ and alternate circumstances and... There’s so much now that I just can’t change. You can’t even begin to imagine how I’m feeling right now, Danny. There is so much fear and hurt and pain and anguish inside me right now... I don’t even know if I’m the same person that I was anymore. I feel like something has changed. Like someone has taken me and pulled out all the good parts, leaving only the worst memories and the pain... so what now?

… I saw a crow today. It sat on the fence outside of Care of Magical Creatures and it seemed to stare at me... it followed me with its eyes. It felt like the eyes of death were scoping me out as a potential target... Shivvers were racing down my spine and I could do nothing but stare back into the cold depths of its black eyes.

It was just a crow, but it seemed like a symbol - a sign for something more. Even my sanctuary is now unsafe. If I can’t go to Care of Magical Creatures to escape then where can I go? I can feel myself becoming drawn towards the lake already, it’s pulling me in. All I want to do is stand on the edge and stare down into its depths... see my reflection staring back at me. But I can’t do it. Every time I think I’ll go near it fear holds me back. I don’t want to see my reflection in the water. What if I don’t like what I see? What if it’s not... me?

It feels so easy to pour out all of these words to you, Danny... so easy to write it all down and close my eyes, imagine your voice in my head telling me everything will be alright... your arms around me, holding me tight and making me feel secure... What is school without my best friend beside me? I’m so lost and alone without you - I’m no one.

You’ll never read these words. Even thinking about what it is that I’ve wrote to you so far I know that you can never see them. There’s just too much that has been said that can never be seen. Besides, how can I dump all of these problems of mine onto you? This is my nightmare, not yours. Live free and happy, and problemless... We always were opposites, weren’t we?

You’re my strength and my guidance, and my shoulder, always. Without you I am nothing. I would fall and collapse. I just wonder how long a can sit here and write these words to you knowing that you don’t see them. I fear that this soon won’t even me enough to help me. Something is wrong, Danny... something is wrong with me. Something is changing and it scares me. I don’t know what to do or feel anymore.

I just need you to tell me that everything is going to be okay, but you can’t because you don’t even know that anything is wrong with me. You never will know what’s happening in both this world and inside my head...

I need your strength to keep me floating.

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

Even now the fear still grips me. I ran into Bellatrix today. Or rather, she ran into me. I was just sitting on the fence down near Care of Magical Creatures when it happened. It was like a voice appeared out of nowhere - my hell suddenly came to life.

I’d been thinking so much about those stolen potions and the fact that it had been so long since Bellatrix had last spoken to me. I was beginning to wonder if she would ever take them back... Each day I’ve felt sick to my stomach just knowing that I still have them. I know where they are, no one else does. Not right now. Not even Bellatrix...

There had been so many questions going around after those potions were discovered stolen - they even did dorm searches. Not of ours, but there were some that were searched. The older students mainly - Slytherins. If Bellatrix had kept those potions, what would have happened to her if they’d been discovered in her possession? Nothing good, I’m sure. But what if they had searched our 4th year room? What if they’d caught me with them?

I was so tempted to just... get rid of them. Or put them back on the shelf in the cupboard. Something. Anything. But as usual it was fear that stopped me. Bellatrix said she’d be back for them, and I to believe that....

I feel like I’ve been living in a constant state of fear for so long and today was no different. Even after what I saw the other day the Care of Magical Creatures Classroom is still my safe haven - it’s hard to shake the image. It’s so hard to go through the day trying to put on a brave face and act like everything is okay that sometimes when I’m on my own I just let the tears fall and I don’t try and hide it anymore. I feel like if I had to keep all of this inside I would surely explode or something...

But... yeah... Bellatrix found me. She must have seen me going outside and she followed me, knowing that there was no one else around. It’s still January here... there’s still frost and snow and ice covering the grounds in this beautiful winter wonderland - it’s all aesthetics, isn’t it? There’s no true beauty beneath the harshness. Reality is stone cold and bitter sweet. I’m beginning to see past the illusion now - there’s no such thing as beauty.

She found out. She knew my name. My real name. She called me up on my lie and made it quite clear what she thought. Even now, even away from it all, it’s so easy to remember the feeling of her hands around my throat slowly tightening... It was hard to breath from her grasp and from the fear that gripped me so suddenly. Her words too... they weren’t just cold, they were like ice, and they sent shivers down my spine as she spoke. Her words were full of deliberation - like she was making a promise that she would follow through with each little threat that she made.

If I tell anyone about the potions she’ll hurt me... That’s what she said, Danny. And just in the way she said it? I completely believe she meant every word. See, that’s the reason why I can never put a name to the envelopes in which these letters are held. They can never been seen, not even by you. Because that would be telling, wouldn’t it?

I didn’t know what to do when Bellatrix finally let me free so I didn’t do anything. I just... sat there. On the ground. In the snow. I couldn’t even feel the cold at all. It was like just for that moment I became immune to it. Or maybe not, maybe Bellatrix was just colder? I don’t know.

All I know is that I just sat there and time just passed me by. I wasn’t thinking of anything particular or even anything at all. I was just feeling so numb. By the time I did start paying attention to where I was again it was completely dark and only the slightest sliver of the new moon was present in the sky. The shadows were longer than usual; deeper, too. Even the doors to the school were locked and shut away.

They were easy enough to get in, of course, but the corridors behind were in a deeper darkness. Part of me wanted to go back outside - I actually felt safer there than what I did in here. I’ve never walked the corridors so late at night before and it was well after curfew - not even the prefects were about.

I’ve never felt so aware of my own presence somewhere before. Each corridor I walked into the candles let themselves in their holders, and as soon as I was passed they extinguished themselves behind me. It was like the very walls of the school were acknowledging my being there... Now, I feel that even when I get to hide away from the other students into the shadows I’m still going to feel like the very walls are watching me, aware even where others are not. I don’t know how I feel about that...

Here, I’m so used to just being a nobody - just slipping out of existence and staying pleasantly mute. Now, this year, it’s all changed. And I don’t like it one bit.

I want to come home, Danny. I want to be with you...

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

I don’t think I’m ever going to be allowed to forget what happened. Even sleep doesn’t provide an escape for me now. This has to be the dozenth nightmare I’ve had and they just keep getting worse. So far, I’ve always woke up before things got too bad. Not this time.

Usually, I’d see the face of Bellatrix Black looming over me, telling me that she made a promise and she intended to keep it. Each dream I’m vaguely aware of the fact that, in them, I’ve told someone about the potions and Bellatrix has found out.

The first few dreams I just saw myself running down empty corridors and all the doors were locked. There was no light at the end, only darkness and more corridor. It felt like I had to keep running forever and there was no escape. Then the nightmares just got worse and worse. Soon Bellatrix would catch up to me in them, and she’d just be hoving there over me, telling me that she always comes through on her promises. I could always see her wand just there in her hand but it was never used.

Then the dreams got worse again. I’ve never been subject to the cruciatus curse, but it seems like my very unconscious knows what to expect. The first time that the dream lasted long enough to reach that point it was just as the spell hit me that I woke up, but soon they were letting me feel more and more of the pain.

I kept waking up in a cold sweat, muffling screams as not to wake my room mates. I could never explain these horrors to them and they must never find out what I’ve been part of. Once awake, I can do nothing but sit there with my covers wrapped tightly around me and allow the tears to stain my face. Sleep becomes impossible. It always feels as if I’ll never sleep again, and more often than not I wish with all my heart that it was possible.

The pain is only in dream form, it’s not a real, physical pain, but yet it feels like it is. Maybe it’s just a psychological thing? I have no idea, but every morning it’s like there’s a huge weight pressing down on my shoulders, and my throat seems to burn from screams I know I haven’t shed, and all my muscles seem to ache and protest each movement. My stomach seems to feel the worst of it though, and it’s like shooting pains each time I try to bend or if I move wrong. There’s no sense in any of this pain, because I know that everything that happened just happened in a dream. I can’t escape my nightmares while awake, nor can I escape my living nightmares when asleep. But I don’t know which nightmares are the worst; the living or the dreaming.

Last night, though, things got a whole lot worse again. Each night the torture seemed to last long and longer, and hurt more and more, but last night it went to the next level again.

It felt like hours that it lasted, and then it would stop and all I could do was lie there and force my lungs to take in oxygen and keep working for me, and there’d be little release before the pain was overwhelming me again. Again and again and again... I didn’t seem like it was ever going to stop.

Then it did. All I could remember upon waking was Bellatrix’s cold cackle of a laugh and the blinding flash of green as my life was drained from me.

That wasn’t the worst of it. When I awoke, I was no longer in my bed. I was in the bathroom, door locked, candles lit. There was nothing in sight to explain what I’d done, but when I awoke I was kneeling on the floor and shaking, and I was almost immediately aware of a strange stinging over my shoulder. Three deep gashes... about... 3 - 4 inches long? They ran down my right shoulder and the blood shed from them was running down my arm and staining both the bathroom floor and my pajamas.

Freaked doesn’t begin to describe it. There was nothing in sight to have made those marks and I couldn’t see anything no matter how hard I looked... then I saw my left land. I think I used my nails... These gashes... I think I gave them to myself.

If the nightmares themselves weren’t bad enough I now had sleepwalking too add on top of it, and causing self injury? Part of my wants to just force myself to stay awake and not sleep, just because I’m so scared of what might be in store for me next. Things only seem to be getting worse and worse each night and there’s no hope of these dreams leaving me alone.

This was one of the longest nights of my life, and all I could keep thinking of was how was I going to hide these marks from everyone? Maybe I should just be glad that they are so high up and can be hidden my sleeves, but still...

How did it come to this?

Danny... Why do I feel like I like it?

Forever
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

I’m not sure how it happened, but I think I must have fallen asleep in class today or something... It seems that all these nightmares have let me completely exhausted, and behind on sleep. I didn’t mean to fall asleep in class, and I didn’t realize that I had.

The nightmare came back... Can I even call it that when it wasn’t night time? Maybe I should just call it a daymare instead... I definitely can’t seem to escape it be it day or night.

The nightmare came back as cruel and awful as before but I didn’t get as far through it as I did that night before someone woke me up. After waking the other night on the bathroom floor, does this mean that I do other strange things in my sleep now or something? I hope to goodness that I don’t talk in my sleep at least... These awful dreams are bad enough as they are - dreams. I don’t want to accidentally tell my entire class about what has happened with Bellatrix or they’ll become my reality. No... I’m sure the reality of it would be far worse than anything my imagination can think up.

Any way, it happened. I fell asleep in class and the dream came back, and I was then awakened with a scream. Needless to say, that caught a bit of attention. You know how much I hate any sort of attention, Danny, and this was some of the worst. My entire class was there watching me and staring and whispering...

I felt like the freak that I’ve become.

This year... everything has changed so much for me. I miss the safety of the shadows and the blessing of being invisible. My cover is gone now and everywhere I go it feels like people are watching and staring. I just wish I knew where I went wrong, and why this happened to me. I would have happily gone through my time in this school as a nobody but it seems that Faith isn’t on my side anymore.

I was escorted to the hospital wing... The professor decided that I needed to see Madam Pomfrey and sent one of the other students to take me there and tell her what had happened. That walk... all the way there I felt like such a freak. She kept glancing at me out of the corner of her eye and it was like she was judging me. Have I lost my sanity or something?

I had to stand in silence and listen to the girl tell my story to the school nurse. I’ve never felt more ashamed. The way she said it... I felt lower than low in that moment. It was a mixture of feeling pathetic and idiotic and like someone not even human... have I ever truly fit into this magical world? I’m such a stranger here...

She gave me some tablets. Madam Pomfrey that is. She kept looking at me with distaste and it felt like she could see straight through me. Before today, I’d done so well at staying out of the way and not having the face the matron. How could I? They were still searching for those missing potions that were stolen from here. That Bellatrix stole... That I stole...

The tablets... I don’t know what they were or what they were supposed to do, but they helped. A little. At least I tried to force myself to believe that they helped. In truth, I think they were a bit of a sham. It’s amazing what the mind can do when it wants to though, isn’t it? I just want to be normal...

Happy Pills. That’s what I decided to call them. They made me put a fake smile on my face and tell Madam Pomfrey that I was feeling so much better now. It must have worked. She said I was released but to take the rest of the afternoon off classes. I can’t really complain at that, can I? I mean... I still don’t know how I’m supposed to face them all tomorrow... their glances... their whispers... their stares... Freak.

Madam Pomfrey left - she said something about needing to speak to someone? I don’t know, all I know is that she felt and she wasn’t coming back for a while.

...I was the only person there. It was completely empty aside from me... I don’t know what made me do it, Danny, but I did...

The cupboard... The one she keeps her potions and stuff in... She didn’t lock it. It was open... and the tablets she gave me? The ‘Happy Pills’... they were right there... on the shelf. They didn’t work, but I want to believe that they did...

Bellatrix took highly dangerous potions from that cupboard and they’re still in my room. A few tablets aren’t dangerous are they? They wouldn’t be missed. No harm, no foul? What am I now? A thief too?

So many tablets... so many useless tablets... but if I can just pretend they work then maybe I can pretend to be happy and normal again. As normal as ever a girl living in the shadows can be.

I remember a saying dad once used... Once a thief forever a thief. Does that apply to me now? So much weight seems to be pressing down on my shoulders now. How’s karma for you? I stole Happy Pills; now I need the Happy Pills to make me feel better for stealing them in the first place.

How do I get myself into these messes? Something has definitely changed within me this year. I don’t know who I’ve become now...

If there’s anyone who could tell me whether the real me is still here, it’s you, Danny.

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

They sent invitations around today for a Valentine’s Ball. It reminded me of Halloween and of Stefan. I never told you about him, did I? I don’t think you’d have liked him very much, and I don’t think I should have either.

He’s a Slytherin - a seventh year, It was not long before Halloween when we first met out on the grounds. We bumped into each other near the lake - literally - and I nearly fell in but he stopped my fall. I was so close to him... What is it with Slytherin’s and being so... entrancing? I think it was in his eyes. They seemed to stare straight through me, and yet, see more of me at the same time. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was like he didn’t see what others saw.

I couldn’t help but be drawn towards his words and completely captivated - I was helpless to make my own choices. Even when he led me into to Forbidden Forest... I should have turned and ran - gone back to the school, but I didn’t. I followed him in. Why? I’ll never know. Three students were attacked in there only mere weeks before then, and yet I still walked in alone.

I was a mixture of emotions out there. How can someone make me feel scared and yet safe at the same time? It doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it was.

I get the feeling that Valentine’s is going to be very, very different to how that night was... Why am I even bothering to go? Maybe because the mask will hide me? My hair won’t though, I’m sure. Have I told you about that? Of course I haven’t... It’s red now. A lot redder. I had someone transfigure it like this for the Halloween ball and I left it like this. I didn’t want to change it back. I wonder if maybe I should?

I think I will, you know. I’ll get someone to make it go back to normal again and maybe it can take all my troubles with it. I could always hide away so easily in the shadows before... I want that back again. I want to be a nobody like I was before.

If you were here, Danny, would you spend the day with me? Do you remember that time when we were little and we didn’t know what Valentine’s meant, but we knew it was something the involved two people spending time together? Do you remember the way we said we were going to pretend to be whatever it was we were supposed to be to spend the day? That amusement park... I’ll never know how you convinced your parents to take us their. That was so much fun...

So much fun... the last fun my dad ever had on Valentine’s day, that’s for sure. I almost don’t want to do anything because it makes me feel bad for dad. It makes me think of him and mum...

I wonder about her sometimes... too often, I think. I wonder about death too, and what it really means. Don’t you ever get curious too?

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

The ball is tonight. There’s only a few hours left until it starts and I have no idea what to do. Why did I even agree to go to it? I mean, it’s not like I have an real reason to be there, or a... a date. It’ll be a lonely night with me on my own, probably sitting in a corner somewhere watching everyone else having the time of their life.

… I think I must have gone wrong somewhere. I mean, I’m just so different from all these people. I want to find a simple answer and just say it’s because I’m muggle born, but I know that there are a lot more Muggle borns in this school than just me, and they’re all going to be out there too - dancing... laughing... just having fun.

That’s not the answer to why I am what I am - who I am. I’m a loser... a bit of a freak... a complete nobody... I’m not like them. I don’t know how to just let go and have fun in the way that they do. They all make life look so simple and easy, and so many times over the years I’ve watched people around me and how they and and told myself ‘I’m going to do that too’ but I just... can’t.

I wonder if there’s something wrong with me...

I’m grasping at straws and it’s stupid, isn’t it?


… A song just came on the radio... I’ve never heard it before but all I want to do is make it play over and over and over again. Have you ever heard it, Danny? I Feel Unpretty?

Never insecure until I met you
Now I’m being stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny...
Why do I look to all these things
To keep you happy?

Why do those words mean something to me? I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever considered myself to be any of those things, but... I think it’s the deeper meaning under it. Like... insecurity... always concerned about what the people around me think? I think that’s what it is... But I don’t know how to escape that. I don’t known how to just live for me and to shut off everything and everyone around me...

But if you can look inside you
Find out who am I too?
Be in a position to make me feel so
Damn unpretty...

For some reason, while I’m listening to this, I can’t help but think of Stefan again. I mean, everywhere I go I feel like I’m always looking around for him and trying to spot him. He hasn’t even spoken to me since Halloween... What did I really expect? I don’t understand that night either because...well... how can he go from acting all interested and absorbed like he was, to blanking me completely? He’d said ‘until we meet again’ at the end of that night but so far, that hasn’t happened.

Is that why I agreed to go to this ball? So I can look for him again? I must be out of my mind...

Well... I suppose I better start getting ready just now... I’ll start by drowning myself in the shower and hoping that this night just vanished without me having to live it.

Wish me good luck?

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

I can’t get that night out of my head. The one where I woke up in the bathroom with those scratches down my arm. I just can’t shake the memories from my every waking moment, nor my dreams.

There was just something about those marks that I couldn’t escape from. There was a feeling... the strangest sensations. But let me explain, Danny.

I found it so hard to try and keep getting out of bed in the mornings since that day outside with Bellatrix. I’ve never known anything like it, but between the reality and the nightmares... I just wanted to forget. Reality seemed to just make things worse. It didn’t prove a shelter or a comfort, and while the nightmares were bad, at least they were all in my head. I could curl under the covers and scream in fear knowing that nothing was happening to me... but in reality? One wrong move and everything would be different.

I had no choice but to keep on going, but I had no interest in anything. It was like I was losing interest in everything that once kept me going through the day. Even Care of Magical Creatures didn’t hold the same joy as what it once did for me. I felt... disconnected. From everything.

Then I found a way. Those scratches - they hurt. A lot. The pain of them was sometimes unbearable if they were bumped or if my bag rubbed over them wrong, but then I realized that those moments were the only ones where I really felt... aware. I thought pain was supposed to blind you and pull you from reality, yet for me, it was like the only thing that was keeping me from falling completely.

Those scratches have healed now and they’re just fading scars, but that means the pain that came from they is gone now. But around here? Nothing has really changed from how it ever was. Bellatrix is still here... I still see her looking at me and spotting me from the crowd even when I’m trying my best to hide away in the shadows. Every time I leave my bed I can feel my own anxiety levels soar through the roof. I’m paranoid or something... I’m definitely not all too sane anymore. I think people are starting to notice too.

Being alone... It’s like if I don’t connect with reality somehow I’m going to completely lose it or something. I don’t want to be any more the freak than I already am, but how? Maybe if I can just sink into my own world then I’ll stop caring what other people think, but I’m scared of what that’ll even mean.

Pain... I think I need it. Those scratches kept me floating when I was sinking. Now I’m under the water and the surface is at my fingertips. If I don’t hold on now then there’s no going back, and I don’t want to drown just yet. I can’t...

I found a purpose for an old razor, rather than just throwing it in the bin. Is that stereotypical? Whenever you hear about anything like this it’s always razor blades...

I know why. Razor blades are so perfect. Do you know that you can’t feel a thing? You can see them sink under your skin and blood start to well up, but there’s no pain. It’s like watching it happen to someone else’s body, not your own. They let you go further than you’d think you could bare, and it’s just all so easy...

The pain? that comes after. Once the blade is gone the sweet sensation floods to you, but by then what’s done is done and there’s no going back. You get the pain that you need but easier...

I shouldn’t have done this and I know it, but Danny it just feels so damn good. I feel like without this, I’ll sink. And I’m too scared to lose just yet.

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

Valentines day... It seems like so long ago already, but in reality? It was hardly more than a week. Already it has become a thing of the past - a memory. Just like so many things are in my life. Memories...

Like these fading scars. They’re healing and fading, and becoming a memory. The pain... the peace? As the cuts go so do all the feelings that came along with them, and once again I feel lost. I feel like I’m sinking. All I can think of to do is just find a way to bring it all back to me again. That pain healed me and made me whole again, and even while I feel like I want to hate myself - like I’m disappointing myself and you and my dad and...everyone by doing it, I just can’t help but fear what will become of me if I don.t

In a lot of ways I hate myself. I wonder how I ever let my life come to this point. I remember the long nights when we used to sit out and talk of our hopes and dreams and what we wanted from our lives. Never once, in all of that, did I even consider that this would be how things would end up for me. I don’t know if’ I’ll ever be free from these feelings... these emotions and sensations and the gripping pain of facing everyday life.

I don’t want this to become me. I don’t want to end like this. I feel like somewhere there is a light - an answer, my own silver lining... I just need to find it. Sometimes I wonder whether things would been easier if I sent you all these letters. You can’t be here and I can’t be there, but even if I can’t hear our voice, just seeing your words would... I don’t know... help?

To feel nothing... what a wonderful feeling that would be...

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

I feel for him. I don’t know him, but I feel for him all the same. Everyone saw the news this morning, and it was obvious that everyone around me knew something I didn’t. They were all turning to look at someone who was obviously involved, but I didn’t dare look up to see who it was they started at. My mind was focused elsewhere.

Bellatrix... I’ve heard her voice in my nightmares so many times that I’ll never forget it, but that cold laugh, tinged with evil and a hint of malice? It sent frosty shivers of ice straight down my spine at the very sound of it. She loved it... death. She was feeding of it as if she lived by it, as if the solid food substance that lay on her plate before her meant nothing to her, but the pain and horror of death fed her life.

Maybe I’m just overthinking everything these days, but when it involves Bellatrix Black I feel like there’s no end to my confusion and paranoia. I can easily admit to both of those things. They’re the simple truth. Everything confuses me now, from the way that things have changed to the way that I feel, but I also know I’m more than a little paranoid these days. Especially when it involved Bellatrix above all elsee... it’s like something inside of me is now fine-tuned to react to the sound of her voice.

Whenever she’s there - whenever I so much as hear her or catch a glimpse of her I can feel everything change around me and I’m so focused on her that it’s as if nothing else matters. Anxious... that’s a good way to explain it. It’s like a palpable pain in my chest and a screaming in my head, and I’ll spend hours checking over my shoulder for...anything.

But this morning, Danny? At breakfast? The worse thing of it all was that I didn’t even realize what I was doing. The only thing I could focus on was the cruel sound of Bellatrix laughing and I just sat there, head down, eyes squeezed tightly closed. At first I thought that was simply it, but then I became aware of the stinging sensation in my hands.

Cutlery... it can cut easier than you may think. I currently have a gash in my left palm from my knife, and four punctured in my right from my fork. I hadn’t even noticed I was doing it until it was done.

So far I’ve done so well at hiding all of this... but how do I hide these? Long trousers... long shirts... thick sweaters... but short of wearing gloves all day every day, what can I use to hide away these? If someone sees? If someone finds out? They won’t care about me, but something like that will be school gossip in an instant, and I can’t deal with anymore that what fate has already thrown me this year. Bellatrix... Stefan...

I don’t know what’s worse, hiding my scars and cuts, worrying if someone is going to see them, not being able to wear short sleeves or take my sweater off, or dealing with the horrible emotional pain that only cutting seems to cure for me.

Don’t tell me not to do it, Danny. Just hug me close and promise me that one day all this will be over.

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

My scars are fading and I’m feeling lost without them. The truth? I don’t regret it. I even kind of like my scars now. I need it now, it’s like an addiction for me. I tried to not do it anymore but it’s not as simple as that for me now.

These blades and bleeding wounds have become a lifeline for me now. They’ve become the only thing that keep me floating and stop me sinking under the surface - they keep me sane.

I don’t have much time to write to you, Danny, not that you’ll ever know because I know that no matter how much I may want to, I’ll never be able to send these to you. All I can do is cling to what little comfort I can gain from just knowing that you are out there somewhere, the one constant person in my life that I know will always be there for me, on my side no matter what.

I do have one worry I can’t help but put down in words. My roommates... I think they’re suspicious of me now. I think they know that something is wrong with me. I hardly talk to them anyway, but I’m talking to them even less than ever before now. I’m pulling away from everyone I know and just allowing myself to sink into my own little world. I feel like if I let anyone else come close to me then I’ll just manage to pull them into the darkness with me. There are only two things that allow me to keep one foot in reality - cutting, and writing to you.

Every move I make is questioned now, and I feel like there’s no sanctity from within these walls of my dorm anymore. I need to get out of here and escape from the piercing stares of my roommates, but where can I go that gives me the privacy I need to keep myself from drowning?

Maybe next time I’ll follow the lake’s edge into the forest... I’ll see where it leads me. The forest is probably one of the darkest and most secretive places around here, and while it once terrified me, now it invites me welcomingly. And besides, where better to stop myself from drowning that the one place that could make my mental comparison a reality?

Until the next time.

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

I think that I'm slowly losing my mind. I did it, today. I followed the lake right the way around, even when it vanished into the forest. I just kept walking and I didn't stop for anything. There aren't any proper paths through the forest next to the lake but I didn't let that stop me. I just kept on going whether it be climbing over huge tree roots or walking straight through clumps of brambles and nettles. I guess wearing shorts and a vest out wasn't the smartest idea.

But then, I think that might have been my idea all along... I hardly ever wear anything like that, especially not now. I wear long sleeves that cover up my scars and anything I can find that will hide the things that I do and have done to myself. So to wear shorts and a vest? I think I knew... I think deep down I knew.

I've inflicted many, many marks upon myself over the last few months, I'll admit, but there's always been some kind of sick logic and order to it when I've done it myself. There's never been a completely uncontrolled time where I've just gone wild and slashed at wherever I could see. But the marks left after going through the forest today have that completely wild and uncontrolled look and feel to them, and they actually feel fantastic. What's wrong with me?

I shouldn't find such comfort from something so morbid but I do, and it's making me question everything about me. I feel like I don't know who I am any more and I don't know who I'm becoming. It makes me wonder what would happen if you saw me right now... would you even recognize me for who I am, or would I just be like a stranger hiding behind a face you once thought you knew?

There are so many thoughts and questions in my head and I just really, really want them all to just go away and leave me alone. I don't want to be able to think or feel anymore, I just want to be. I read something in a book today about Dementors, though I know you don't know what they are, Danny. I read that they can suck the soul from a living person and that soul is something that they can never get back. They just become a living, breathing shell of a human being and there is just nothing to them at all. They become like machines just plodding on through life with a stone cold heart and not even an opinion on the matter. They're an emotionless shell without the ability to feel empathy or anything like that. It fascinated me. They just... don't feel. They don't think. They don't care. That's what I really wish I could be like right now, it just seems strange that the only thing I know that can completely wipe my mind from all this anguish is the one thing that I'll only find in Askaban - the prison where most of the people are screwed out of their minds with insanity. Does that say something about me?

I'm scared of who I'm becoming and I'm scared of what it means. I want this all to stop and to just be able to go back in time to the summer when we were together and just sit on the beach with you again, talking into the small hours of the night and laughing over photos on a camera. I want those nights back rather than the ones I know right now. I hate these nights of blood and nightmares and pain...

I won't stop though. I know I wont. I need this now like an addiction and even if I said that I was going to stop, I would still be drawn back to it. It's become a part of me now. Can you accept this side of me, Danny? No, I know you can't. I can never send these letters because I know that I'll only tear you up inside and suffocate you with them, and you need to stay light and free and flying. I won't drag you under with me. Let me drown alone.

I love you, always.

Forever,
Leander x

[notalice]

Dear Danny,

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me...

I thought April Fool's Day was supposed to be fun? I thought it was supposed to be about jokes and pranks and laughter, and catching people off their guard, but only in a way that they'd end up laughing over it... When did April fools become a time for hate and hurt, and nightmares?

It seems the fates still aren't on my side, and the world still hates me as much as it has so far of this year. No matter what I do I still haven't suffered enough for their liking. So being under Bellatrix Black's command wasn't enough, was it? Now the fates had to send that other girl to me - Georgina. Georgina Parkinson... I've heard the whispers that she's beyond insane, but I never believe for a minute that things could be as bad as they are.

Of all the people, she picked me to help her, and why not? She probably knew about what happened with Bellatrix and Stefan, so why wouldn't she pick me? I'm nothing against these people and she knows, just like the others knew, I'll do it, whether I should or not.

I need to stop letting these people control me, don't I? But it's just not that easy when they have the ability to quash me with a flick of their wands, and there's not a thing that I could do to defend myself against them. They make me feel weak, and that weakness only leads me to hate myself more.

I feel like it's my fault for what happened but... I didn't know that it would happen in the way that it did. I thought that everything would be okay and that Georgina was just going to make her worry - Alice Hoggs, that is. I thought that Georgina would just have a bit of fun and that would be it... I guess I didn't want to believe all the rumors that someone could be so heartless and cruel and...

Well... let me give you the full story, Danny, before I completely lose my mind.

Georgina made me go into Alice's dorm room when there was no one else there, and she made me find something that she could use against her. The first thing I'd seen was a diary but I didn't have it in me to take something like that. I have a diary of my own, always have, and it was the one place I always poured my heart and soul into - or so it felt. I couldn't begin to imagine what it'd be like if someone took my diary and used it against me as an April Fools prank... So I didn't want to take hers. I took her pet instead. She'd been allowed to keep a pet ferret in school with her since she had some sort of break down or something several months ago, and I took that instead. I thought it would be a better idea than taking her diary...

Georgina had let me go when I gave her it, but made sure that I was there again late that night to meet her again. I thought being out after hours was bad... that was nothing to what I found when I got there.

I can still see the sight of that poor ferret all torn up and bloody etched into my eyes, and it's an image that I just can't seem to shake from my mind. I'm terrified of what's going to happen now...

Her ferret, for lack of a term, looks like it's been hung, drawn, and quartered. There's nothing left of it... It's covered in blood and ink and all sorts, and half of it's insides are hanging out and it's all twisted up at weirdly awkward angles, and it's just not moving at all.

Georgina showed me it and I felt sick, but she threatened me and gave me no choice but to take it, with strict orders to hang in on her bedroom door, so that when she woke she'd be greeted with the sight of her beloved pet in tatters. I cried the whole time, and I can still feel the tears soaking my face now.

I spent hours in the shower when I got back from hanging it on her door. I could hear voices and people talking, and I just knew that someone had seen what had happened and woken everyone from their beds. The sound of voices just grew louder and louder. By then I had blood streaming from me.

Any time from now that girl could walk up to that sight, and I know that I'll hear everything when it happens since she's in the room right next door.

I feel completely torn up and shredded inside right now I just don't know what to do. What if she finds out I had a part to play in all of this? What will I do? ...Should I tell her what I know? Should I tell her it was Georgina but she made me help? I can't do that, I know it. The coward in my in stirring my self loathing to life so badly right now, but I just can't do it. All I can do is sit and wait, and hate myself, and stare at those blood that leaks from me and wonder if perhaps I should be suffering what that poor innocent little creature has...

I don't think I can face tomorrow, Danny... I don't think I can face another day. I need to...

I need to. Please understand me. I love you Danny, always. Please...