It's Not True {Complete}

[Chase Connors]

Chase just wanted to get away. He didn't mean to get so worked up and angry and he definitely never meant to take it out on Emily in the way he just had, but it was so hard to hear someone try and talk to him about his dad when he couldn't even bring himself to believe that any of it was even true. How could his dad be dead? If something like that had really happened someone would have said something to him long before breakfast. The prophet said it happened early that morning at around 1am or something, so why, in the... 7 plus hours since then, hadn't someone said something?

It wouldn't have been hard for someone to wake him or something. He remembered the time about a year or two ago one of the current 7th years had lost their grandfather or something and they'd sent professor Sprout in to wake him and took him to Dumbledore's office. He was home before morning, and that had just been an old age related death. This? Someone would have woke him, or at least intercepted him before breakfast. But even the professors who were still there hadn't even battered at eyelid or lifted a finger. So it couldn't be true, right?

His second bottle of firewhiskey was three quarters of the way to empty now and Chase had no idea of where there was anymore he could get hold of. Unless he went down to Hogsmeade... but if he went to Hogsmeade then there would surely be people in the village who knew who he was and started in on the same old sob story that he'd been hoping to avoid all day. So... quarter bottle it was, it seemed. Thought the liquid no longer burnt his throat, he still didn't feel numbed by it. He could tell that he wasn't talking particularly straight and his judgement was a bit off by now, but he really didn't feel affected by it like he should for the amount that he'd drunk.

"Bullsh*t and lies. It's all bullsh*t." He muttered to himself before taking another swig, and closing his eyes, stopping for a minute to lean against the wall. How long had he even been on the roof for? It was dark... and the halls were practically deserted. He didn't realize he'd been up there as long as he had. Heck! How had be made two bottles of firewhiskey last from 8 this morning until now? This just really didn't make the slightest bit of sense... he should have had both bottles finished hours ago no wonder he wasn't feeling phased by the stuff...

Before he knew it, Chase was on the first floor and hovering there. What did he do now? Go to bed? He wanted more than anything to just go to sleep and wake up to find out this had all been a dream, but going to bed would mean facing his room mates. And as much as they were his best friends and all that, he'd already managed to take out his frustration of Emily, who would probably never want to talk to him again, he didn't want to take any more out on them. They didn't deserve it, and Chase didn't want to hear whatever they had to say to 'make him feel better'... He just wanted to be alone. Maybe he could just go and sit outside for a while? If he left it late enough Trent and Lachie would be asleep and he wouldn't need to worry about having to talk when he went in there...

Chase didn't get more that a few steps forward before a voice spoke up behind him. "Chase?"

He spun around quickly to face the voice, losing his balance from the amount of whiskey he'd drunk and grabbing at the nearest wall to steady himself. He still ended up sliding down the wall so that he was sprawled on the floor. Some where during his fall he'd let go of the bottle of firewhiskey and he just sat there, watching as most of what little remained seeped out of the bottle and spread across the floor. "Damn it..."

[Chase Connors]

Kurt had read the news in the paper that morning and he hadn't been able to believe what he was reading. All around him people had been turning their eyes towards the Hufflepuff table but Kurt's had been glued to the article in front of him. He knew, without looking, that Chase was still in school. Why would people look and whisper the way they were if he wasn't, but Kurt had just sat there, eyes glued to the front page of the prophet and no one paid him the slightest bit of attention. Of that he was glad.

The anonymity had allowed him to slip out of the Great Hall unseen and ignored, and allowed him to escape to spend some time on his own. His uncle was dead... this was insane. This was the kind of thing that you read about in the paper's all the time but it never seemed to touch you or seem in any way real until it was someone you knew... Like this.

What had even happened, that's what Kurt didn't understand. All the papers said was 'Death Eater Attack' but... that could mean anything, right? Maybe it had just been a jump-out-of-the-shadows-bang-you're-dead type of thing, but it could have been more, couldn't it? Attack could mean brutal, physical attack, and that was a possibility that Kurt didn't even want to consider an option. That couldn't have happened, right? It had just been a sudden, painless death... he had to believe that.

For much of the day Kurt had sat outside near the lake, just staring out over the steady ripples of the water and wondering how it could remain so calm and peaceful at a time like this when everything was being turned upside down, and he wondered what would happen next. Chase would go home no doubt, but could he? Well, he wasn't about to miss the funeral or anything, but more than anything Kurt just wanted to go home and see his mother - just to know that she was okay.

He didn't like the thought of her home alone with this kind of weight on her shoulders. She needed someone with her right now, but who was there? His own father had left years ago and was somewhere on the other side of the world by now, surrounded by 'hot young things', as he'd once wrote in a rare letter to Kurt, and he had no interest in their family at all. So now Kurt was in school, his mother was home alone.

Maybe he could just ask if he could go home, too? He could say that it was for his mother's sake, if not for his own. His mother had just lost her only brother she couldn't be coping to well with all of this, and she definitely would have been too stubborn to go to anyone herself. He could at least ask, right? Besides, it wasn't like there was any point in Kurt going to lessons since he wasn't about to be able to concentrate on anything at all, so there was really little good in him being here at all.

Kurt realized he must have been sitting outside for hours staring over the lake, but he had noticed that in all that time he hadn't even cried or anything. He raised and hand to his cheek and realized his mistake. Actually, how long had he been crying? His cheeks were cold and tear stained yet as far as he knew he'd been sitting there completely motionless. Maybe now would be a good time to move and go inside, it was still February and very cold outside.

Pushing to his feet, Kurt wobbled unsteadily for a minute, waiting till some of the numbness left his legs before wandering slowly back up to the castle. But where did he go now? Food? Not hungry. Bed? Too early. Dumbledore? He didn't know where to find him... Maybe McGonagall? His head of house would be able to help him, wouldn't she? So... first floor it was.

The Transfiguration classroom had been empty when Kurt got there, and all the candles extinguished on the walls. It was only then that Kurt had actually looked at the time and noticed just how late it was. Most people would be in their common rooms by now, or maybe still in the library or something... It was before curfew, but it was still pretty late. He hadn't even realized that he'd been outside quite as long as he had. He should have realized though when he was outside till the sun was already setting across the lake.

After standing pointlessly around the Transfiguration classroom for what must have been an hour, Kurt finally snapped himself out of whatever little thought bubble he'd got lost in, and left the room. The cold from outside seemed to have seeped into his bones, and even the last hour hadn't shaken the chill. He was shuddering and his fingers were like blocks of ice... Maybe Madam Pomfrey could help. She was close, right?

Kurt had absolutely no idea what he was doing, all he knew was that he was reacting to the first thing that came into his mind. He just felt... numb. Everything felt so bizarrely distant to him right now and he didn't know how to think or feel properly. His feet steered him around the corner to the hospital wing and he wandered in. Madam Pomfrey was no where in site and the room itself was empty, so Kurt just sat on the nearest bed, staring at the opposite wall to wait. His eyes had drifted to the clock on the wall and he'd counted the minutes as that hands worked their way around the clock. It was after curfew now but Kurt didn't want to go back to his dorm just yet, and he didn't really feel tired, either. He was warmer, which was an improvement...

It had taken two hours of sitting there numbly before Madam Pomfrey came out of her office and noticed him there. She'd given him some potion, he wasn't sure what it was, but it seemed to warm him up a bit. At least his brain seemed to want to work a little bit on its own which was more than it had done for the majority of the day. After a few reassurances that he was alright and he could get himself back up to his common room, Kurt was given a note and told he could leave.

Why had he gone there in the first place? He really had no idea, but it had given him something to do with his time.

In the corridor outside of the Hospital, Kurt heard someone speak and looked down the corridor. He recognized that figure... "Chase?"

His cousin stumbled and fell against the wall before sliding down to the floor. Something clattered and Kurt could make out liquid oozing from a glass bottle across the floor. He stepped close and looked down at his cousin as he swore. "How much have you been drinking?" He might not know his cousin as well as some people knew their cousins, but he knew him well enough to know that alcohol seemed to be the easy go-to for him.

[Chase Connors]

Chase looked up as the voice spoke again, his mind taking a second to register who it was that was standing over him.

"How much have you been drinking?"

Chase sighed and looked down at the empty bottle. "Too much... not enough." His throat felt raw, and he didn't know whether it was because of the amount of firewhiskey he'd allowed to burn it's way down, or because of the still difficultness of talking, but whatever it was, he didn't like it, and he wanted to go back to how he'd been all day, just sitting in silence on his own, the comfort of whiskey in one hand. He didn't feel like talking anymore. He didn't want to face anyone else who was about to tell him that what had happened was real when it wasn't - couldn't be.

Right now, his cousin was up there on the list of people he didn't want to have to deal with. He seemed to be annoying everyone today and he didn't want to add Kurt to his list. Why couldn't people just leave him be? Maybe if he just shut his eyes he could fall asleep here and not have to worry about it anymore, and he could just go to sleep and wake up in the morning when it would all be forgotten.

"Why are you here?" He muttered, looking in the other direction.

[Chase Connors]

Kurt could tell that Chase wasn't taking this news very well at all, and he absolutely didn't blame him. Even Kurt was struggling to get his head around it and it wasn't even his dad who'd been killed. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to be Chase in this moment, and in many ways, he was glad that he didn't have to know.

"I have no idea." Kurt answered truthfully, slumping down the wall so that he was sitting on the floor next to Chase. He'd just ended up here in a haze of think therefore do, and now he was supposed to be going up to his dorm, but it still just didn't feel right - the idea of going upstairs to sleep in his dorm bed when back home, his mother was alone and no doubt suffering. Why were either of them still here? "Have they tried to send you home yet?"

[Chase Connors]

Chase kept looking in the other direction even as Kurt sat beside him. Right now the last thing he wanted to do was see the same pained mix of emotions on his cousins face as what he'd been trying to escape from. He just didn't want to believe that this was real, any of it. He couldn't believe that it could be. There was no doubt in his mind that if this had been real then things would have been done differently, Kurt just needed to realize that the papers were lying as much as the rest.

"Why would they? It's just made up, you know that." Chase picked up bottle and drained the final dribble that hadn't escaped over the floor, before staring aimlessly at the bottle. "It can't be true or it would have been different."

[Chase Connors]

"Why would they? It's just made up, you know that."

"I want to believe that, too." He muttered, and it was his turn to look away while Chase drained he last of the firewhiskey. "I want it to be a lie but the papers never lie, so it must be true, but I don't want it to be." He looked back at Chase after that and Kurt could feel the tears stinging his eyes, unlike earlier when he hadn't noticed that he'd been crying at all.

He rubbed a sleeve roughly over his face and blinked rapidly. Now was not the time to start crying no matter how much he might want to. It was clear that Chase didn't believe for a minute that this had really happened, and Kurt wished that he could feel that denial too, but the reality seemed to take charge and he couldn't even pretend to act like he didn't know, deep down, that it was real. "I want to know if mum's okay, but at the same time seeing her will make things feel real..."

[Chase Connors]

Chase listened as Kurt spoke and he was aware of the movement he made to wipe his eyes, and the tightness in his voice as he spoke about home. Chase was sure he could feel a stinging in his own eyes but he closed them and tried to force the feeling away. This wasn't real, god damnit! "The papers have been wrong before, and they're wrong now. There's no reality to go home too, it's just a mistake..."

There wasn't enough conviction in his voice to even convince himself anymore, but he still clung to that small glimmer of hope that come morning everything would be alright again. The only thing that was making him think that this could even be slightly real was his lack of alcohol, nothing more. He just needed more to drink and then he'd be perfectly fine, he just knew it. "He can't be... dead anyway. I haven't wrote back to his letter..." For some reason, that letter had been on his mind a lot today.

[Chase Connors]

Denial... Even greater denial that what Kurt had expected. He wasn't surprised, and in many ways wanted to be able to think the same way Chase was, but he knew that this alcohol abuse and refusal of the truth wasn't going to get him anywhere. Chase needed to face and accept reality, Kurt just didn't know what to say, or even if there was anything that he could say, that would help right now.

He didn't want to say something that would make things worse, either, so... what could he really do?

Kurt found himself staring at the empty bottle and quickly looked away - that was not a route he was willing to take. He wasn't much of a drinker at the best of times and he definitely wasn't about to start now. He needed to stay away from that kind of thing, he knew it. There were better ways to deal than alcohol.

Kurt glanced up at Chase. "Letter?"

Having never had to deal with something like this himself, Kurt had no idea what he was even supposed to say, all he knew was that the tears were really threatening him now and he didn't know how long he would be able to keep it together, but he felt like he needed to at least a little bit longer. He wanted to say something else but... what?

[Chase Connors]

Chase nodded slowly. "He sent a letter last week. I put off replying..." Swinging the empty bottle, Chase launched in off the opposite wall. Glass shattered everywhere and scattered across the corridor. Just like before, the simple destruction did nothing to help him like he had hoped it would. "It's just not true."

He'd forgotten where he was when he smashed the bottle, but the sound had clearly been loud enough to catch the attention of Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing, as she ran out of the room and looked around. Her eyes fell on the two of them sitting there and Chase could just see the look that crossed over her face.

No. He wasn't dealing with this - no now. No more. He was sick of it already! "I'm fine. I'm going to bed anyway." He muttered, attempting to push himself to his feet. Right now he had no intentions of sleeping at all, but he didn't want to start getting berated by the matron for being drunk and disorderly or whatever it was she usually called it.

[Chase Connors]

Guilt... was that what it was? Chase's denial was spurned off the guilt of not replying to the letter that he'd been sent? Now that was something that Kurt closer felt that he could relate to, thought still not to this extent. Thankfully, Kurt didn't have to worry about thinking of what else he could say, because the sound of smashing glass brought Madam Pomfrey running out of the hospital wing.

The actual glass shattering had made him flinch a bit, but nothing like he usually would have. For some reason, there'd been a mild sense of comfort in the complete destruction of the once whole object, though why he couldn't quite put his finger on.

Kurt looked quickly at Chase as he spoke and tried to push himself to his feet. Kurt, without the addlement of alcohol, was on his feet a lot quicker and easier than his cousin could manage. He reached out a hand to help pull Chase to his feet, though he didn't know whether the offer would be a much appreciated one - Chase seemed to be very... closed off right now, not that Kurt could blame him.

[Chase Connors]

Reluctantly, Chase accepted the help to be pulled to his feet by his cousin, and without event thinking he wrapped his arms around him in a hug. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine by morning when it's over." He could taste the lies as he spoke them but he would fight this battle till the bitter end.

Another arm landed on his shoulder and said something to him and staying in the hospital wing. Chase didn't even have the energy to bother trying to think up a valid argument not to. So long as it was quiet, right? He wouldn't have to face anyone he knew in there, he could just be alone, and sleep it off so that when he woke up in the morning everything would be find. Because it would be - it had to be.

He reached out and messed up Kurt's hair before stumbling in the general direction of the hospital wing, noting the look on Madam Pomfrey's face was one that appeared to be a mix of disapproval and understanding, though how that worked he wasn't too sure. He was actually feeling tired though, he did know that now. He said nothing else to his cousin as the matron bustled him inside with a final word to Kurt.

A bed and sleep and to be alone... then everything would be find by morning.

[Chase Connors]

Kurt was more than just a little surprised to find himself enveloped in a hug, and he could only nod, even as he knew that it was all lies. Chase wasn't okay. Kurt wasn't okay. Rio wasn't okay. Nothing and no one was okay, but just saying otherwise... you could almost force yourself to believe, just for a moment, that maybe everything would be okay. That was enough for now.

Madam Pomfrey steered Chase into the hospital wing and Kurt watched them go. "'Night..." He trailed off, not sure what to say or do just now. He was told to head back upstairs and go to bed himself but he didn't even know how to work his legs all of a sudden.

As soon as the pair disappeared into the hospital wing Kurt reached for the wall and he felt his knees collapsing underneath him as the wave of emotion he'd battled so hard to fight back finally got the better of him. Nothing was okay.