Drifting(Finished)

[quof]

Andromeda made her slowly into the common room. It was a Saturday and she had just woken up, though she wished she were still in bed. Unlike like most people she didn’t avidly anticipate the arrival of the weekend, she dreaded it. Weekends meant boredom. During the week she had classes and homework to keep her occupied, but those couldn’t take all Saturday and Sunday and soon she was left with nothing to do. She didn’t belong to any clubs or the quidditch team, and she didn’t have any friends she was dying to hang out with.

She did have prefect duties to attend to of course, and she could always read or write in her journal, but those were merely things to pass the time. She had reached the common room and made her way over to a chair, collapsing into it. More than once she found herself reflecting that she had a rather flat existence. There were times when she felt like she was merely coasting. Existing in some sort of dreamlike state where nothing was quite real. Alive, but not really living. Ted had changed that, Ted had made her feel like she was really in the moment. But she wasn't allowed to think about him anymore.

She felt the familiar pang in her stomach and she leaned her head back on the chair, before quickly forcing herself straighten again. The common room was mostly empty, but there were a couple around. Though people generally ignored her, they had a way of seeing her only when she didn't want to be seen, like now.

Unable to express her emotions physically she cast her eyes toward the fire, wishing for something, anything, to distract her from her dreary frame of mind.

[bellatrix]

It may have been hard to believe but Bellatrix was not a morning person. She awoke with scruffy hair, bad breath and a little dribble on her chin. Elegant was not the word used to describe the elder of the three Black sisters but it didn't matter, a little bit of self pampering and she was as good as she was going to get for an early Saturday morning, a Saturday morning that she had plans for.

Ascending the stairs from her dorm Bella took her time, her boots clunked on the cold stone floor and the sound bounced off of the equally cold walls that surrounded her. Before Bella knew it she was in the common room and she was met with a wave of warmth. The winter was always bitterly cold at Hogwarts no matter how many layers of clothes you dressed yourself in and the warmth of the fire in the common room was always quite inviting. The only trouble was getting a seat close enough to the flames to really enjoy them properly. Well it wasn't so much a problem for Bella as it was for others, but occasionally Bella had to hex someone before the way was cleared.

Making a quick scan of the common room, Bella noticed a lone figure in a chair. Bella's eyes locked on the slender figure that was her sister Andromeda. They needed to speak. The reputation the Black name held was being tarnished, things were being said, awful things and Bella did not approve of them one bit. Things had to be sorted out, Meda had to stop her silly little games and wise up. Bellatrix denied any such rumours of Meda spending time with mudbloods and blood traitors but at the back of her mind, after seeing her dance with that Tonks scum, Bella couldn't help but hold doubt about her own sister.

"Meda." Bella said coldly, taking to a seat close by. There were a few others in the common room, Bella had noticed, and all though Bella was not against making a scene she want to keep things as calm as possible between herself and her sister, though it wasn't Meda's temper she was worried about, it was her own, she didn't want people knowing of their family business and so she hoped with witnesses around she would remember to keep her cool a little longer than she usually would have.

"I believe we need to talk." Bella crossed her legs, leant back into the chair and folded her arms as she looked at her sister before her. How could Meda do such a thing to the purest and most noble house of Black? Perhaps her sister had not realised whom she had been speaking with, that honest mistakes were made and perhaps Meda would promise not to do such a thing ever again. "Anything you wish to atone for?" Bella's voice was reserved and ice cold as was the stern stare she offered her sister. Bella loved her sisters as much as she could and wanted to protect them as a good older sibling ought to but it looked as though Meda was becoming the enemy rather than someone to protect, Bella hoped this wasn't the case after all Bella was not someone you wanted as an enemy.

[quof]

That kind of distraction hadn't been what she was hoping for. She started when she heard her sister's voice, and though her entire body filled with dread she worked to keep her face expressionless, and for the most part she succeeded. She could tell by her sister's voice that she was displeased, well, more displeased than usual. And she knew why. She had hoped that her pitiful attempt to explain away the situation would have satisfied her sister, but she should known that would not be the case.

She didn't say anything. She scarcely allowed herself to blink as her sister settled in and mentioned that they needed to talk. She wanted to look away, but she dared not show any signs of weakness as her sister already thought so little of her in that regard. She sucked in a light breath when her sister finally got to the point. yes, there was a lot she would like to atone for. Ted. She hadn't seen him since that night but she doubted he ever wanted to see her again. She had used him, she was lonely and he'd made her feel wonderful. But when their friendship had been challenged he'd stood by her, and she'd completely abandoned him. Though she may have told herself she was doing so to protect him—since they're was no telling what her sister would have done—I didn't change the depth of what she had done. And there were times when she convinced herself it had been for her own protection—not his—and with every passing day this argument seemed to gain more and more strength.

She looked away from her sister as she tried to decide how best to answer her question. This wasn't the first time she had been chastised for her choice of associates, but she always found someway to squirm out of it, to look like she was weak instead of traitorous. She could lie, she had done it last night and she could do it again, just like she had done what seemed like a thousand times before.

But she didn't want too, not this time. The very thought made her stomach sick with guilt and shame, but what choice did she have? She sighed and turned back to her sister. "Yes, there is much I would like to atone for, my sister." she said as she struggled to control the emotion in her voice.

[bellatrix]

There was no emotions held beneath Bella's eyes, it was something that made her most feared amongst the students, at least the ones that knew her anyhow which was probably everybody. She was still and emotionless as she stared at her middle sister, waiting for her to say something, anything. Meda looked away from Bella and Bella knew that her sister had something to admit to, something she needed to apologise for so the second Meda spoke, Bella paid close attention but nothing much came other than an admission that she needed to admit to somethings. Not exactly what Bella was hoping for. Either denial or an apology would have been ideal and Bella sincerely hoped that Meda wasn't going to start standing up for herself because Bella would not hold herself responsible for her actions against her sister, her sister that she loved as much as Bella possibly could love anyone other than her master.

"Then my darling sister, why don't you absolve yourself to me? Do you fear I might not understand? Just try me." Bella's voice remained cool and she tried for an almost indifferent tone so as not to intimidate Meda all though she could feel herself getting irritated. Bella was quick to anger and she wanted her sister to grovel, to apologise but she got the feeling that this was not how the situation was going to play out, but Bella wanted to give Meda a chance, a chance to tell her everything, to apologise and to promise to never interact with mudbloods ever again, if she promised this to Bella, then nothing would ever have to be said to their parents, if Meda was to continue on her path then Bella had nothing to do but inform her parents of the path Meda was choosing. Bella dreaded the consequences for her sister should their parents find out just how corrupt Meda was becoming and would become if she carried on as she was, consorting with filth, Bella knew mother and father would be most displeased and as Meda was not yet an adult, still only 16 until May, they had every right to pull her out of Hogwarts, a move Bella wouldn't put past them.

[quof]

Andromeda sighed and looked away again. Understand.?Bellatrix could not possibly understand, almost no one in her family could. They only understand blood, and try as Meda might she could not follow in their footsteps.

She looked up sharply at her sister, some of her bitter feelings probably betraying her thoughts. But in a the blink of eye they were gone, and her mask of complete control was in its place. " I cannot expect you to understand, when I don not understand.." her voice trailed off with her thoughts.

She could not hide behind her words forever, eventually Bella would lose patience with her, and she would not want to be present if she did. Not too mention the entire common room would probably notice, and Andromeda did not think she bear that—shame.

She slowly looked at her sister again, "What exactly do you wan t me to say Bella? Do you want me to confess? Because it would seam that you already know about everything you are accusing me of." she tried to lace her voice with spite, perhaps even contempt, though she knew it was probably too late for that. She should not have admitted to Bella's accusations so readily, but she had caught her in her moment of weakness. And now she would have to pay for that moment, like she always did. But perhaps there was way she could make it a little easier.

"What have you heard exactly?" she said with a little more conviction, "I want to know..."she paused and took a steady breath before continuing in a calmer manner. "I want to know what wrongs you think I have done exactly, so I can sort fact from fiction." It wouldn't delay the inevitable, but it would allow Meda to only admit to what she needed to and no more, for there were many things she had done that would warrant her sister's displeasure, and some of them she had vowed to keep secret at whatever price.

[bellatrix]

Bella was no fool. People had tried to deceive her in the past with dire consequences and she was not about to let her sister try and manipulate this conversation around but Bella also had decided she was not going to lose her temper, two things she was rather getting the hang of, she'd gone all of thirty seconds so far without yelling at her sister, that was a good start, was it not? Bella was exceedingly proud of herself, she'd hate to have to start this whole conversation over again on another day, things just wouldn't be the same as now, Andromeda would likely be tense, Bella would certainly be on edge and that just didn't suit the atmosphere Bella wanted to create while talking to her younger sister.

Bella took a deep breath as she looked across at her sister and sighed "Right and wrong are thin lines sometimes and I wouldn't dare accuse you of anything, you are my sister, I care for you and I only want what is best for you. For you and our family." Because there was no bigger guilt trip than trying to convince her sister she had let her family down. Two sisters and loving parents, who in the world would want to upset such a delicate yet supportive balance. Supportive providing you were doing the right thing of course and the right thing was whatever your parents wanted.

"I don't want to accuse you of anything Drommie and I fear you have me all wrong. Today is the only day that I will listen to what you have to say, let you confide in me and help you. I want you to tell me what it is you feel guilty about because if I find out any truths to the various rumours I've been hearing and those truths don't come from you, then I'm going to have to be forced to take further actions. Now, sister, talk to me and let me help."

Despite Bella's offer of help, her voice did not seem to be offering comfort of confidence, but that was only because Bella was unsure of how to talk in such a manner that would appear soft. Bella had always had trouble acting nice because truthfully, it was hard to the young witch, but for her sisters she would always try her hardest as was proof now, but there was only so long a time she could continue being such a saint.

[quof]

Andromeda whole body stiffened. She wanted to believe her sister’s words, she wanted desperately to believe them, but she knew better than to fall for her sister’s pretend kindness. Bellatrix may have thought she could be understanding, comforting even, But Andromeda knew enough of her to know she would never be able to fully grasp these concepts. She didn’t want to try to understand, she wanted Andromeda to bend over and beg for forgiveness, to show that she had completely abandoned her old ways, and only then would she be satisfied. And if Andromeda did not deliver her part, or if she told her sister the truth, then her sister’s would vanish like a breeze vanishes to a snarling storm.

But she had to give her sister something, and her beating around the bush had led her to nothing, so it was time to try something different. She sighed and looked at her, letting shame color her cheeks. “I don’t why, Bella.” She let her voice grow soft, reflective. “I was, lonely, I guess…” She sighed again, and refused to meet her sister’s gaze as though she were too ashamed too, when in reality it ws because she feared her sister would sense that something was off.

It was true, at least in part. Since she had come to Hogwarts she had struggled to understand why those whose presence made her feel warm were deemed unworthy and those who always felt so cold were deemed acceptable. She had tried to follow her standards, but she no matter how hard she tried she always found herself wishing she could belong with those others, though such thoughts made her feel like a traitor. Even now, she still felt a sense of guilt when it, her darkest wish, crossed her mind. It was alright to feel different but to wish she had no connection to her family in the first place? That was despicable, she told herself, and she tried to push the notion away, but it kept coming back.

“I’m not like you, Bella.” She said feebly, her voice threatening to crack. Her inttention was to appear like the weak one, whereas Bella was strong, in the hope that Bell would chastise her but believe that what she had been done had been done out of desperate loneliness and not a break from her familial values. She realized though, that there was a part of her that was trying to infuse a different meaning, the rebellious side that Andromeda could never seem to quench. She only hoped that Bellatrix would not pick up on it.

[bellatrix]

Well the conversation had not gone where Bella had expected and her sister's words had sort of touched Bella. Touched her in a way that made her feel vastly superior to Andromeda and all though it wasn't a hard task to accomplish to compliment Bella, Bella was thrown a little from her train of thought. Bella was one who was complimented oh so easily providing she was in the right mood - the superior mood, which was intact most of the time.

"Oh Andromeda." Bella stood and walked over to her sister. She thought of what else she could say that would also rub in the fact that getting on with people came so easily to Bella, even though it was actually quite a task and only her reputation of being a little bit of a psychopath that kept people in their places around her, all but that Parkinson, but she would find her place eventually in the real world and it would be far beneath Bella.

Bella stretched her hand out slowly and ran her fingers softly down her sisters gentle hair. It was so soft against Bella's fingers and momentarily the girly side of Bella wanted to emerge and ask what conditioner she was using but Bella remembered what they were talking about. "But why must you seek the company of filth? Why can't you try harder to get on with the girls in your dorm?" Bella looked down at her sister and for no reason at all she got the urge to rip a chunk of he hair out but she resisted, she played the good, protective older sister, looking out for her younger sibling.

"Next time you find yourself in the company of those less worthy than the name you were born to uphold, just remember how much better you are than them and leave them where they are, just walk away and seek either myself or Cissy if you must." Bella did not want her sister associating with filth any more. "So give me your word, Andromeda, no more nonsense, we don't want mother and father to find out after all. They'd be heartbroken." Bella hoped that she could guilt Andromeda into thinking about her family first, but she was a teenage girl and to most teenage girls there were two things that come before family, herself and a good looking boy. Bella hoped that Meda would avoid those two for a little while. The state of the family name depended on it.

[quof]

Andromeda was almost wary as her sister came over next to her. Sure, her sister’s voice had lost that accusatory note. And there was something that almost sounded like concern, but it was off. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it until she saw her sister’s face. Pity, that was what it had been, and triumph.
This was what Andromeda wanted of course, but despite things going as planned that knot of tension in her chest refused to lighten. She had to force herself to take deep, calming breath’s as Bella began to stroke her hair. There was something so sisterly about the gesture that brought up a pang in her chest, like it was an echo of something she had lost long ago. This was how she and her sister were supposed to be, but however much they might pretend otherwise, they were far from it. But it felt so soothing, this idea, however pretend it might be. So she forced herself to give in, to forget her misgivings and convince herself that this was right, natural. She breathed it in, forcing herself to accept, to believe, that this really was her sister coming to comfort her, to be there for her.

She felt a jarring in her chest at the word filth. She had heard it used to describe muggleborns her whole life, but it was only now that she realized how much she hated it. She tried to push it out of her mind, to avoid the bitter feelings she was trying too hard to not direct at her sister. But no matter how much she tried to suppress it kept coming back. She barely heard her sister’s question she was so caught up on her thoughts. All she could do was sigh and shake her head resignedly, not trusting herself to speak, her shoulders hunching and her head hanging slightly.
She listened to the rest of her sister’s speech with the same forced calm. That was what she had used to do, just run away, back to safety of her green clad school mates. But where had that gotten her? They didn’t accept her, not really. They tolerated her presence because of her name, and nothing more. And now she dared strike out, and she’d been happy, or at least something close to it.

And now she was wrong. A traitor, even. Bringing unfathomable shame to her family because of her own weakness and selfishness. Her shoulder muscles tightened, as did her jaw. Heat bubbled underneath her skin, but not the pleasant kind. Anger, anger at everything and everyone who was connected coursed through her, and she found herself being swept away by it. Except, she couldn’t. She forced herself to relax, again. Forced herself to let go, though a part of her clung stubbornly to her own bitterness. She forced herself to breath steadily again.

“I know, Bella, I just, I’m….” she let the words trail away with a sigh. “I’m sorry.” They were words she had said, had gone over in her head dozens of times. So much that she knew exactly how to phrase it in order to make it sound perfectly convincing. Except this time there was a hard edge in her voice that had not been there ever before.

[bellatrix]

Bella smiled and took the few steps needed to stand in front of her sister. Her dark brown eyes looked black in she shadows of the common room. Bella noticed what a beauty her sister was. They looked a lot alike, or so she'd been told, she always thought Meda was prettier, not that Bella had any kind of complex but she wasn't all that into her own looks. She knew she looked good and that was good enough for her. She put in a little effort to keep her mother pleased but really Meda and Cissa were the sisters that would make good wives to pure blooded husbands, Bella was not really mar age material.

Bella stopped to listen to Meda. She was sorry? Sorry for what? Messing up the most noble name of Black? There was only so many times someone could apologise for that but what Bella hadn't heard, and what she had been wanting to hear from her sister, was a promise that it would never happen again. That promise seemed to remain elusive of Meda's lips. Bella loved both of her sisters very much but there were only so many times Andromeda could apologise and avoid a promise that Bella needed to hear. Meda had no choice really. If she wanted to be trusted again by her family then she was going to have to cave into them. She was going to have to make that promise, though would Bella really trust her? Probably not, Bella was no fool. She would keep an eye on her sister for a long while.

"You're not promising Meda. I need your word that this will never happen again." Bella had heard the tone of voice that Meda had been using, the sound of the tones still resounded in her mind. That was not Meda speaking, not the Meda that Bella knew but one that had a bit of a back bone but that didn't make up for the fact that Meda had been spotted with muggle borns, that she had spent the halloween ball with one, that she kept doing this sort of thing. Bella was beginning to wonder if Andromeda wasn't just doing this on purpose, doing this to defy her family. Was she working with Sirius? Had the two collaborated and schemed together? They had always got on well growing up. Bella's temper started to grow. There wasn't going to be much time for Andromeda to cooperate with her. Bella had gotten herself all worked up in her mind yet again and she was now harbouring a feeling that she was going to do something that could potentially ruin her relationship with her sister for the rest of their lives.

[quof]

So it seemed she had pushed the bounds with how long she could play the weak card. Bella’s direct question cut through all her elusive, vague half-promises and ramblings. She could not evade it any longer. She had a choice to make, and each carried its own weight.

She could avoid the promise, and suffer Bella’s wrath. And, depending on how the situation escalated a potential intervention from her parents. Or she could give Bella the words she needed, which would make any sort of friendship with anyone below her sister’s standards inconceivable.

The idea made her want to scream in frustration, which she couldn’t. She also felt tears threatening to spill over, which she couldn’t do either.

Instead she gave her sister a hard, level look. What had this sort of pretending led her to anyway? A fear of her own family? She couldn’t talk to either of her sister’s anymore, about anything. And maybe they weren’t perfect, but they were family, and that counted for something didn’t it? And what had her friendships brought anyone else either? The gossip stares, and cruel treatment of the Slytherin’s, for both herself and those she chose to associate with. And Andromeda was hardly a good friend, since she betrayed them the moment things got sticky. She wasn’t doing them any favors, only filling her own selfish desires. It was better just to let go.

“You’re right, Bella,” she paused, “I promise that I will never compromise my standards for the sake of underserving companionship again, as long as I bear the name Black.” She almost pinched her face in disgust at how—old-fashioned —that sounded. But she knew if she did not make it as extravagant and formal as possible Bella would never accept it.

There was another reason, as Andromeda had unconsciously avoided stating specifically what her standards were or what underserving companionship was. It could easily be determined to mean exactly what Bella wanted, and Andromeda believed she had done an adequate job at making it sound like that was only interpretation to her words that there was. But still, it scared her that there was a part of her that would still not back down. That part, however, had seemed to accept defeat in some form or fashion, so perhaps she had truly given in.

She didn’t allow anything to show on her face, not even the simpering, cowering child. Nothing.

[bellatrix]

It may have seemed cruel and harsh for some to see Bellatrix treat Andromeda the way she had but this was business, family business and it needed to be dealt with as soon as possible. Bella wouldn't let anymore Black's make a fool out of the family, especially not two from one generation. Sirius was enough of a disappointment, Meda didn't need to follow in his footsteps.

"Oh my precious sister." Bella was happy and made her way back to Drommie, taking the couple of steps to stand over her sister. She bent a little and kissed her sister atop the head. "You are a good sister and I know you can be a good Black." Bella looked at Andromeda with something that resembled pride, probably because it was pride but not pride in her sister making a change, promising to stay true to the family name, give it the respect it deserved by not associating with those that were unworthy but pride in herself for breaking down her sister, winning and not losing her temper despite getting dangerously close.

"Now, that is all. Bella started walking away, calling out to Andromeda as she got further and further away. "I will speak with you again tomorrow. In the meantime I think it best you only socialise with your fellow house mates for a while, forget about the riff raff from other houses." Bella didn't wait for a response, she was in a good mood and looking to only heighten it. Some poor unsuspecting student was going to get a rude awakening from Bella this evening.

[quof]

Andromeda wasn’t sure she could believe what had just happened, but she did. Bellatrix believed her, she was safe. Yet somehow, that didn’t calm her nerves the way she thought it would. Instead, she felt a cold hard dread settling at the pit of her stomach and she tried not to think about what the future would entail.

And Bellatrix kissed her, which surprised her to no end. It had been years since they had shown any real sisterly affection for each other. So, this was good, right? But something about it gave Andromeda chills, and made her just want to squirm out of her sisters reach. She pinched her face together. That was terrible, terrible that she would think such things about her sister. She was going to take this as a sign that their relationship was on the mend, and that was all. So she forced herself to smile up at her sister, ignoring the feeling that told her this was wrong, that something about this was just wrong.

She wanted to say something, engage in a conversation with Bellatrix that didn’t involve family politics. Something that could only be discussed between sister’s, like boys, or maybe even just what had been going on in both of their lives. Their relationship may be finally on the mend and Andromeda didn’t want that to go to waste. Who knew when they would get another chance to talk together like this again?

But Bellatrix was leaving. She had promised she would talk to Andromeda again tomorrow, but Andromeda knew better than to expect something good from that now. She had been cast off. All she had ever been was a prickly thorn and now that she had been checked off her sister’s mental list of things to do. And now she had been checked out of Bellatrix’s mind. She was off to whatever it was she had next, without sparring a second thought for her barely-worth-mentioning problematic little sister. Andromeda sighed and looked away, the feelings of hurt being replaced by an inescapable loneliness. Is this what her life was now?

She couldn’t think, she didn’t want to think. She decided to head down to breakfast; the moments spent here now quickly fading into a half-remembered nightmare she just wanted to block from her memory completely.